


Snake People: The Book

by RiverDelta



Series: SNAKE PEOPLE: THE SERIES [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Academia, Although It Varies By Region, Comedy, Fake History, Gen, Homeworld is Horrible, Homeworld is Sort of the Soviet Union of the 80s, In an Incompetent Way as Much As In a Brutal Way, Oral History, Will Be Over 50k Words By The End, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-09 16:18:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8899057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverDelta/pseuds/RiverDelta
Summary: In which the same idiot conspiracy theorist Gem as before interviews the main cast of Steven Universe as well as some other people, including her own pearl, as well as an imprisoned con artist instrumental (pun intended) in the Great Musical Revolts of 4506, and a very confused sword-wielding Indian schoolchild.Also "Yellow Diamond". Because this moron would totally be able to get access to interview her. Totally. Not lying at all.





	1. Introductions

> Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3,
> 
> It has come to our attention that you have tried to submit the same manuscript three times, within the span of one day. Well, this is a bit of a problem. We finally skimmed your manuscript, only to find that we shouldn't have bothered. Your work was not only far too short to actually be published as any kind of sweeping chronicle of the last ten millenniums or so, but it was riddled with inaccuracies, informal self-insertations, and in general I suspected it was a joke until I concluded that no joker would put that much effort into something so blatantly stupid. In short, Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3, please stop bothering us and certainly stop assuming that you can do anything to improve the world of historical scholarship. Your points are refuted or do not exist at all, your writing is chaotic and messy, and for some inane reason you've allowed your pearl to edit her voice in. I do not know what you are good for, Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3, but historical nonfiction is not it.
> 
> Sincerely yours,
> 
> Topaz Facet-0J32 Cut-1H3, Under-Editor to the East Sandstone Branch of Homeworld State Publishing, Historical Records Division.

So. I kind of got that by crystal today. It was...not very nice. I'd even go so far as to say that it stung. It hurt my feelings and I spent the day getting hydro-drunk in the corner of my room. My main take-away, though, was that  _Snake People, Homeworld, and Earth: A History_ was too short. Honestly, that's the main problem I see this lumpy clod rambling about. So, if I make a longer piece, they'll have to publish it! Logically. Luckily, I have all of this data sitting around from those interviews I cut (because who wants to listen to some peridot ramble on, anyway?) that I can just use that.

Great. Almost no work. What's this called again?  _Halite, are you looking for "oral history"?_ Yep. Gotta love oral. Boy, I love me some good, moist oral between a Gem and her pearl.  _I hope you were talking about history._ Of course I am! Get your mind out of the gutter. Anyway, I've got a lot of stuff, but oh my stars. Champagne, I'm gonna write a book! That'll get published, because it's long!  _That is how it works._ Yep. I know this "writing" thing. I know it so, so well.  _Please don't make another-_ I think you could say that I'm very intimate with it.  _Interesting choice of words. Are you trying to make double entendres?_ Double ententes? What? This isn't some weird mirrored human war. Also, it's spelled "entente". 

 _Never mind._ So. Now that I'm Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3, Author and Historian, instead of just Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3, Historian, it's time to get onto some history. Some thick, hard history. Rock hard.  _Oh stars._ _Is this you coping with your loneliness?_ No, I have the Amethyst interview for loneliness coping. I don't really see what you're talking about.  _Really. You have no idea._

I think I know what you're getting at.  _Finally._

I keep stalling and writing original work instead of taking interview content that I've already done! Why should I waste my valuable time actually writing when I could transcribe interviews I've already done! That's so much easier!


	2. Peridot, Part I

**[I look at my interview subject with disdain. She’s short, thin, sitting in some kind of cobbled together red hut in a field, and...I collect myself] Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG?**

Yes.

**That is your facet and cut, right?**

Yes. How long is this going to take?

**It shouldn’t matter.**

Why am I even talking to you?

**Steven said I could.**

...Okay. I trust Steven. What do you want to know?

**Well, what was your life like before you were sent to Earth?**

Well, that’s sort of a complicated question. I was created as an Era 2 Peridot in 8102 ADA, in Sandstone Province. 

**Oh, I’m from there.**

That explains a lot.

**What?**

You’re unprofessional. Sandstone’s density of population sort of led to it becoming...different than a lot of Homeworld. Collect enough people in one area, there’ll be outliers.

**Outliers?**

You know, like gems who are...different. I would be harsher, but I’ve been trying to cut down on my....[Peridot takes some time to find the right words]...accidental insults.

**Aren’t you from Sandstone?**

I was created in Sandstone, in one of the mostly-life-energy-depleted Homeworld Kindergartens, yes. Kindergarten Sigma-Zeta. Sadly, I was reassigned early in my career.

**To where?**

Limestone.

**Oh, by the stars.**

I know!

**It would have been under martial law then, wouldn’t it?**

What? No. It was mostly under Blue Clade. What’s all this “martial law” slag?

**_You’re thinking of Limestone from 4507 to 4700, Halite._ ** **Oh. That makes more sense.**

You really didn’t read your daily newsfeed or anything? You’re a halite. You should have had access to that.

**“News” is what we call the lies that the Snake People feed us, Peridot.**

...Yeah, I probably shouldn’t get into what they’d do if they found you in Limestone. Or most of Homeworld, really. At least you’re here, right? [Peridot laughs, though it’s hollow and unconvincing]

**Why should I believe you? You have to have read my manuscript that I so thoughtfully sent to you all. It’s almost done. I call it, “Snake People, Homeworld, and Earth: A History”. I’ve just finished the chapter on you. But a stupid peridot like you probably wouldn’t read that.**

Hey! I actually did read it! It was short. Also terrible. I’ve read better  _ Camp Pining Hearts _ fanfiction. About Paulcy.  That ship’s pretty much unshippable, and I’ve read some fanfics of that that were better.

**[I tilt my head in confusion] Camp Pining Hearts?**

Oh, you aren’t aware? It’s only the best form of media to ever exist. You see, they have human beings in costumes in front of cameras, and they record them doing things in one-hour-long segments. Put enough of them together, and you have a story. I sort of know the entire thing. The show begins with the six main characters (Two of which are tolerable) in the bus, set to go to the camp on the slightly bumpy road, and Pierre begins to talk about how bored he is, but Percy takes a light-show-entertainment-device and... [Peridot goes on like this for several hours]...That’s how the Color War ended. With the infamous and overly-long Paulcy kiss in the bathroom. I mean, come on. Really?

**I was staring at the sky and trying to ignore your horrible screeching voice. Please, though, tell me the plot of this story. In detail. I want to know exactly how much better I am than you by knowing that you like terrible fiction.**

No. You’re kind of a clod.

**_She just wants to be you._ ** **No!**

What?

**_She’s envious that you’re free and happy, and that you are in a logical position to try and date Amethyst, and that manifests through her...clod-ness._ **

Who said anything about Amethyst?

**...You’re not trying?**

I have more important things to do than manage some overly complex love life of mine.

**_But you do try to manage the uncontrollable love lives of fictional Acadian teenagers._ **

Not manage. More like...find out which ones are ideal for each other and relentlessly disregard the rest.

**_Perhaps you could do that in real life._ **

I guess, but I’m honestly not that interested. 

**...Oh my stars, why are we even talking to this tiny, useless, Era 2 nerdglob?**

[Peridot reaches out and a small trickle of screws from a pile next to her in the giant red hut thing levitate towards her, as if by magic]

**You’re not a normal Gem, are you? Wait a minute. Levitation. That goes against gravity. Gravity is the attraction of bodies together. Attraction of bodies. Romance. Romance. Romance is found in...Camp Pining Hearts. It’s that show, isn’t it? It’s some kind of evil psychic device meant to sow insurrection among the Era 2s by giving them evil levitation powers? But why would you show me this? Unless...**

Oh my stars, are we really doing this? [Peridot puts a finger to her gem in exasperation]

**Unless there was some kind of ulterior motive. Who would create Camp Pining Hearts?**

Actors, script writers, editors, costume designers, executives, directors, producers, the highly underappreciated various technical roles, grips, caterers...

**It can’t be those things. That would be stupid. Nor (See, I used “nor”, because I’m smart) can it be the Technocracy/Snake People/Homeworld/Original Crystal Gems...**

Original Crystal Gems?

**You know, before Rose Quartz faked her own death or something, leaving the Crystal Gems to become a fighting force of Gems trying to defend Earth. It couldn’t be them...The Eridanus are all dead...**

Do you have any idea how insane you sound, you stupid clod? Ranting like some moron about the “Technocracy”? Here’s the thing. None of that’s real! It never was real! You’ve gone moonstone, Halite! [Peridot stands up, so now she’s as high as my chest is, and begins to walk away]

**...Peridot?**

What is it, you insufferable rambling lunatic? Can’t you see I have things I’m working on? Important things?

**Why do you hate me?**

I don’t.

**You’re yelling at me and insulting me. Seriously. What’s with you?**

I’ve been where you were. Sort of. So smugly sure in your own beliefs, full of resentment for being who you are and questions as to why you couldn’t be anyone else, anyone better... It took a lot to get it through my gem that I was wrong about everything. Someone needs to teach you.

_**Can we talk about your past?** _

  
Please.


	3. Peridot, Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peridot's little song is done to the tune of "Be Our Guest", and is a slightly modified form of AwkwardMarina's song, found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MF2E8SOIyMc

**What made you want to join the Crystal Gems?**

Long story.

**Deets?**

What?

**Details.**

Oh. Well, I was stranded on Earth going slowly insane and living in constant fear of [REDACTED] erupting from the earth.

**Can you tell me more about [REDACTED]?**

Sure. [REDACTED] is a construct of many forcibly fused gem fragments, buried underneath the Atlantic seaboard from...Georgia to New Brunswick, if I’m getting the names right? [REDACTED] was a highly illegal government research project intending to [REDACTED], authorized by Yellow Diamond.

**[REDACTED] definitely sounds like a serious problem.**

Oh, it was. I was sent to Earth partially to check on [REDACTED] and make sure that it didn’t [REDACTED] while I was on it, and that it would [REDACTED] when I left, because Yellow Diamond didn’t really like the Earth very much. Due to a jailbreak on the Emerald Hand-class battleship I was stationed on, I had to use an escape pod, leaving me stranded alone on Earth, desperately trying to get out.

**How did you survive? Seriously? How? That sounds horrible!**

Well, the Crystal Gems hunting me down kind of made things worse.

**...Why did you join them?**

Steven taught me to trust them, and when Homeworld couldn’t care less about me, they still did.

**Oh my stars, that is so saccharine.**

It’s a good thing that you live in the Southern California of Homeworld and have that massive bubble of ignorance that surrounds your every word and action. Wow, that was kind of eloquent. Good job, Peridot.

**What’s a “California”?**

Even I know what a California is. Imagine Sandstone, but with slightly less desert and a shorter history.

**What are you even trying to say?**

That you’re a clod, you’re a clod, your identity is flawed, your delusions about fusions make our world cry “Oh my god”, you’re a freak, you’re a mess, it’s impossible to guess how the army and the navy slipped and fell, completely crazy, what a trip, that I took, I don’t even want to look, at a being so illogical and odd, you’re a clod, you’re a clod, you’re a clod!

**Did you just sing that?**

I’ve been doing a lot of singing ever since I came here. It sort of just happens, honestly.

**How do you survive?**

It’s fun. I’ve been trying to make CPH (Camp Pining Hearts) fan songs for a while, but human audio equipment is primitive, even by my continually lowering standards. Also, I can’t play ukelele. Steven’s offered to help, though.

**“Fansongs”?**

Wait, they don’t even have those in Sandstone?

**What?**

Oh. Well, it seems to be an Earth thing. Essentially, people like bits of media and create music in order to express that appreciation via songs relating to the original piece of media.

**What?**

Oh, there are fan-everythings, really. Fan art, fan songs, cosplayers (That would be people who dress poorly like characters they know nothing about), fan game developers, et cetera.

**Is this what humans do with their time?**

Sometimes. Sometimes they sing, eat, sleep, drag race, work at dull jobs for little pay, stand in the rain, or murder each other, but honestly...

**Rain?**

Imagine water.

**Sure.**

Imagine little droplets of water coming down from the sky.

**Boiling water?**

Tepid water. Sometimes slightly cool.

**This is the greatest planet to ever exist.**

...You. The pearl. Why is she just staring off into space?

**_I have a name. Champagne Pearl. Also, I’d imagine that she’s staring off into space at some ridiculous fantasy of running around and catching rain-water in her mouth to get hydro-drunk. It’s probably not even saltwater._ **

It’s fresh water, and no. You can totally do that.

**How often does it rain?**

Depends on where you are. Some places almost all the time. I dunno. I’ve got better things to do than read about rain. I’m Peridot. I’m important! I have things to do.

**...Champagne, we need to defect.**

...What?

**_...What?_ ** **Think about it. Water that falls from the sky almost all the time! This place is magic.**

[Peridot buries her tiny, stupid face in her equally tiny and stupid hands.] 

**Wait. No. Defecting would probably mean having to work with certain peridots, and that’s too big of a sacrifice. Logically, those peridots would lie to me about “rain” in order to trick me into defection. Clearly you know about my love of water.**

I didn’t.

**You insidious clod.**

You know, I thought that I had no social skills.

**You probably do have no social skills.**

I mean, I seem to have some, from my own experience. Lapis likes me.

**Lapis likes everyone.**

[Peridot begins to laugh in that horrible, shrill cackling thing that she does. She laughs. A lot. For about a minute] Yep. [She goes back to laughing]

**I mean, I don’t know Lapis, but I assume so. Our interview went pretty well.** **_She insisted that I talk to her instead of you._ ** **Not a big deal! Actually, she was pretty polite.**

No comment.

**So. The abandoned spacecraft.**

How do you know about that?

**Amethyst told me.**

I don’t know why she even tolerates you.

**She thinks I’m funny.**

...Okay, I’d buy that. In a weird way. Not that funny, but funny in a skytrain-wreck kind of way.

**Awww, thanks! Clod.**

Spacecraft?

**Spacecraft?**

Spacecraft. So, I’d entirely lost my mind due to the fear and isolation, and I set up inside of an old spacecraft an elaborate set of traps and dangerous lasers and whatever in order to kill the Crystal Gems, as part of my plan to get rid of them before I could make my way to find some actual method of escape.

**Why didn’t you just fly off in the spacecraft?**

It was broken.

**Couldn’t you have fixed it? You’re a technician.**

Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a spacecraft with working equipment? Something as antiquated as the First Earth War honestly would probably be impossible to get flying. It was a ruin.

**Yeah, but technician.**

I’d have to have gotten parts from an empire that doesn’t exist in its original form anymore that was in another solar system, with the exact knowledge of how those parts were used, and also, and I repeat, also, would have to avoid a very skilled pack of Gem hunters...As I saw the Crystal Gems at the time.

**But technician.**

You’re a writer, right?

**HISTORIAN!**

Whatever. Stick to your field. You don’t see me writing a book about the history of Homeworld and Earth. Wait. I could probably do it, and be more factual as well.  _ A History of Homeworld and Earth, 4 ADA - 9130 ADA _ , by Peridot (Facet and Cut Irrelevant). I could probably sell it on- Eh. That seems sort of boring, and I have Camp Pining Hearts and Crystal Gem things to do.

**Champagne, she couldn’t take my job, could she?** **_She probably could, honestly._ ** **SLAG!**

Don’t worry. Someone needs to make fun of Season 4, where they fired most of the writing staff and replaced them with lumpy, clumpy...

**Don’t say it.**

Terrible writers.


	4. Peridot, Part III

**So why aren’t you going after her?**

What?

**Amethyst. You’re in the perfect spot to try and, you know, ask her if she’s into you.**

But I’m not “into” her. 

**Why?**

I have enough problems of my own relating to psychological stability. The last thing I need is to force upon myself more due to some relationship, especially with one of the “core” Crystal Gems.

**Well, you are crazy. That’s for sure.**

Hey! You make me look perfectly sane!

**So you’re crazy. Cray-cray is the technical term.**

I’m pretty sure that’s not a technical term, and maybe I am crazy. Why do you care? 

**You’ve given up everything you’ve known, insulted your just and benevolent Diamond, all for what? This useless, water-covered rock?**

Just and benevolent?

**Yep.**

You really know so little, don’t you? It’s almost cute. It’s mostly annoying, though. If [REDACTED] were made clear to you, maybe you’d understand. Although, Champagne, is anything clear to her? I’ve been trying to keep up with names after the whole “The Steven” debacle some time ago.

**_She has a very good grasp of early-modern to modern Middle Eastern history._ **

You’re kidding.

**_Halite, give me a short history of the state of Libya._ ** **That’s kind of Middle East-adjacent, but I can try. Libya is a nation in the Maghreb region of North Africa, bordered by the Mediterranean Sea, Niger, Chad, Sudan, Egypt (SLAGGING USELESS EGYPT), Algeria, and Tunisia. It was occupied by Spain and the Knights of St. John until the Ottomans took over, during which time it was involved in the Barbary Wars much later in the 18th and 19th centuries, around the border between the two centuries (Human year counting). It was occupied by Italy from 1911-1943 AD, and became an independent kingdom in 1951 AD. In 1969 King Idris I was sadly overthrown, beginning a period of social “reform”. During the Libyan Cultural Revolution, the central figure in the 1969 coup, Gaddafi, took power until 2011, leading to current instability in the region.**

...I don’t know what to say.

**Are you in awe at my amazing historian skills?**

I don’t know? Maybe? Argh. You just don’t make any sense! 

**Look, I’m great at all history, it sort of follows that I would be great at Middle Eastern and occasionally North African history.**

You know that’s the only thing you’re good at, right? Even then I can’t confirm your sources. It just sounds more legitimate than your usual insanity.

**Oh, don’t act so smug and superior, you lumpy, clumpy clod!**

Take that back!

**Never!** **_Both of you. Please quiet down._ **

I’ve been insulted! How can I quiet down?

**Duel.**

What?

**We should solve this with weapons at dawn.**

I don’t have a weapon!

**Neither have I, and look where I am now!**

That doesn’t even make sense! None of this makes sense! You’re an idiot, except when you’re not-

**_She has a wholly unintended specialty in her field._ **

Argh! What are you even going to do with this cruddy interview?

**Probably put it in “Snake People, Homeworld, and Earth: A History”, if I get anything good out of it.**

So. Will I get anything out of it, other than my words in one of the least useful books in your entire field?

**Well, I don’t have the money to pay you, so it would basically just be me outright using your words for free.**

Who would possibly agree to that?

**Lapis Lazuli, Yellow Diamond’s Pearl, maybe Yellow Diamond, the Mendacious One, Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, Champagne, and that one human child larva thing with the sword.**

You’re not going to get Yellow Diamond, you know.

**I might. Don’t be so negative.**

Whatever. How did you even get all of those other people to sign up?

**_The Mendacious One had nothing better to do in her time in prison and wanted to distort her own story further, if possible. Yellow Diamond’s Pearl actually does interviews semi-frequently in her owner’s stead, Lapis Lazuli was pressured into doing it by Amethyst, who thought it would be humorous, I don’t have a choice, and the one with the sword saw no harm in it._ **

You always have a choice.

**_I really don’t._ **

I did. Peridots and pearls aren’t that different.

**_You were above me._ **

Not by much, and you wouldn’t imagine how little an Era 2 mattered.

**_They denied you a lot, I’ll grant, but you weren’t bought or sold._ **

We were effectively property of the state. Not citizens but servants specialized in one thing.

**_They didn’t try to take away your essential nature as a Gem._ **

They didn’t care enough about us to. You stood and looked pretty, we worked, and worked, and worked, until the Diamonds were satisfied. Naturally, they never were.

**Can we stop with this melodrama and get back to my interview?**

Narcissist.

**I don’t fit any of the qualities of a pathological narcissist.**

Fine. You’re self-centered in a way that isn’t a defect. 

**I can live with that.**

It’s funny that on Earth we’re all equal. You, the defective upper-crust writer from the most free province, me, the replaceable technician, and the pearl. [She laughs hollowly]

**We’re not equal. I am so much better than both of you.**

On what grounds?

**Talent.**

You have no talent.

**Did you read my description of Libyan history?**

You only have talent in discussing one region of a planet that you’re not even from.

**Still more talent than whatever you two do.** **_I solve most of your problems, keep everything tidy, help you through your many water-induced depressive outbursts, and bolster your already inflated self-esteem, while looking pretty._ **

I piloted a battleship once.

**Anyone can do that.**

Have you?

**Nobody’s let me near a battleship.**

  
Exactly.


	5. Peridot, Part IV

**I don’t need to be near a battleship to know I could fly one.**

How are you still functional?

 **_Designated Alpha-Level some time ago, probably due to her jingoism. It was an oversight, nobody rechecks the records. It’s not like anyone in bureaucracy on Homeworld really gets paid to do much of anything, really. So I assume corners were cut._ ** **Because I’m clearly funct- Wait. What?**

Champagne’s explanation makes more sense to me.

 **Hey! Is it that hard to believe that I’m just a functional part of this glorious sisterhood we call Homeworld?** **_To be honest..._ **

Yes. Yes it is.

**Why am I even interviewing you? You’re a clod.**

Well.....[Peridot begins to rattle things off of her fingers] I’m a member of an elite fighting force, I defend this planet, I know several of the most historically accurate Gems, I served under Jasper, I then fought against Jasper, oh, and if it weren’t for the efforts of me, personally, there would be no “Earth” for you to write a book about! CLOD!

**Wait. You saved the Earth?**

I neutralized [REDACTED] along with Steven by [REDACTED]. I used the [REDACTED], Steven dealt with [REDACTED].

**Somehow I have a newfound respect for you.**

Really?

**Sure. If It weren’t for you, I’d have only Homeworld to write a book about, and Homeworld’s been stagnant as day-old mud since the suppression of the Great Musical Revolts.**

Should I feel complimented?

**_Probably?_ **

...Okay. Thanks, Halite, for....that.

**I’m sorry I’ve treated you so poorly.**

And it only took me being integral in the saving of billions of lives. [She sarcastically claps]

**You really can’t let me have anything, can you?**

When I was outright trying to attack the Crystal Gems, Steven told me to have a nice weekend. You shouldn’t need to stop a genocide to get basic silicate decency.

**Silicate. [I start to laugh]**

[She begins to laugh as well] Anyway...

**How do I know you’re not lying?**

...I thought you respected me now.

 **You could have lied to me about that just to get me to respect you in a classic double-reverse-inverse false respect gambit so as to undermine the security of Homeworld. Obviously, if a stalwart defender of our great and glorious empire was subverted to sympathise with a Crystal Gem -** **_You already want to kiss Amethyst -_ ** **We don’t know that she’s a traitor! It's not confirmed! Anyway, also, if I were somehow subverted to sympathise with a Crystal Gem, I might betray my own people. Which is why you’d save the Earth. To make me turn sides.**

One. You’re not that important. Two, wouldn’t I just lie to you and tell you that I saved the Earth?

**No, that would mean there’d be no evidence you did it!**

Why wouldn’t I just fake the evidence?

**How do you fake saving the Earth? Honestly? For a technician you can be kind of stupid sometimes.**

...By having the Earth still be around?

**No, that doesn’t count, since [REDACTED] might never...Yellow Diamond would never try and blow up a planet, that would be pointless. So the Crystal Gems, in order to make me defect, planted [REDACTED] underground and then [REDACTED], all to make me defect!**

That’s brilliant if you ignore all of the logical holes in that argument.

**So I’m brilliant and I saw through your cunning-but-insufficiently-cunning plan.**

No, it means that it makes no sense. Why isn’t she a historian of the Middle East and North Africa? It’s her one skill!

**_Who would want to read about the Middle East? That place hasn’t been significant since the Mycenaeans emerged and probably never will matter again in any respect other than as a crossroads between Asia and Europe._ **

...Sure. I’m not going to bother arguing. Human history isn’t my strong suit. I do important things. Like build crab robots. Giant crab robots. Yep. I, Peridot, am pretty much the best. Go me. I really should be at least considered for leader of the-

**Wow. Get over yourself. Rein that ego in.**

Pots and kettles.

**What’s a “kettle”?**

Nevermind. Anyway, couldn’t you just write fiction? You make up ridiculous ideas with no logical backing all the time!

**_You assume that she has any writing talent. She wrote fiction a few times. It was...impressive in its unique execution._ **

By which you mean that it was a forcibly-fused shambling [REDACTED] of a novel?

**It was a forcibly-fused shambling [REDACTED] of a screenplay. Get it right.**

A screenplay?

**It took place in the Ottoman Empire. Nobody wanted to read it, because we live in a society where almost everybody has no idea what the Ottoman Empire is or why everyone’s made of weak flesh. Also because it wasn’t written in format and supposedly “Was impossible to follow and had no dialogue”. Supposedly.**

I take it back. I see why you aren’t a fiction writer.

**I’m a great fiction writer. It’s just that people can’t appreciate an eighty-page screenplay about the silent and incredibly complicated backstabbing plots of a bunch of Cairo street merchants.**

How do you write eighty pages about that?

**....I don’t want to talk about it.**

Was it well-written?

**_It could have been written better. It could have been written worse._ **

So it was slag?

**_It was utter slag._ **

That makes more sense.

**You know. It’s kind of a talent to be able to write, anyway. It requires, time, effort, dedication, constant self-improvement, and a willingness to commit utterly to an idea. Writing is one of the greatest things a Gem can do.**

Aren’t you only saying that because you’re a writer?

**No!....Yes. Argh! You can’t be out-arguing me like this! This is impossible!**

I’m...not even trying, really.

**Wait. “Not even trying”. That must make you a telepath. Only a telepath could accidentally win an argument against someone who speaks absolute truth. If you’re a telepath, that explains why you have psychic powers with the metal. Because you’re psychic. As we know, all Gems are more or less identical inside of their Gem type. Meaning that all Era 2 Peridots are secretly telekinetic telepaths. Suddenly, this means that the Great Musical Revolts make so much more sense! Same with why the halites were limited/punished afterward and not the Era 2 peridots! An Era 2 secretly orchestrated the whole thing, got the halites to act as the fall Gems, and then cleared the Era 2s of all wrongdoing with psychic mind powers!**

  
That’s exactly how it happened. Whatever the "Great Musical Revolts" are. Good job spotting that.


	6. Peridot, Part V

**Flying isn’t that cool.**

What?

**I heard that you used to be able to fly.**

Who told you?

**Amethyst.**

Argh! How much have you been talking to her?

**Wouldn’t you like to know.**

I would, actually, given that technically, we should be fighting and she’s my comrade! Why does she keep talking to you?

**She likes me. Like-likes me.**

I really don’t see that being very likely.

**She had her chest-gem exposed with a low-cut regeneration.**

She always has that exposed!

**Really? Slag. I sort of assumed she was flirting with me. Good thing I didn’t bring that up.**

Have you ever talked to Ronaldo? I’m sure he would be a much better person to talk to than me.

**Him and I disagree on a lot. Have you read KBCW? Most of it’s ridiculous. I mean, come on.  Polymorphic sentient rocks? The lunacy.**

...

 **Oh, and have you even looked at the way he unprofessionally puts personal experiences, film reviews, and fanfiction on there? I mean, seriously. Look at that. That is not professional, Ronaldo! This is why I’m not interviewing you! I am a very professional Gem!** **_Yes, you are._ ** **Exactly! I don’t put anything but cold hard facts in my online data storages. That’s why I’m a historian and you’re a crazed conspiracy theorist, Fryman!**

I’m not Ronaldo.

**I know, but I know that SPHAE:AH is going to be so good that he’ll pick it up, somehow. I’ll send him a print copy. He’ll read it and then go “Wow, I really am a total disgrace to the historical community”.**

That’s...actually pretty funny. He deserves it, too. He once tried to claim that I was some kind of environmentalist robot.

**Yeah. Duh. I know. I read his stupid blog. I just need to remember to edit out all of those stupid things I wrote back before I met him in person where I talk about how he’s some secret source or something.**

Before you met him in person?

**Hey. Who’s the interviewer, here? Not you! Me. Because I have this recording device, and you don’t.**

I have a recording device.

**Why does she keep showing that she can take my job if she wants to? This is really annoying!**

Like I’d be a historian. Please. If I wanted to read the same thing over and over and do nothing but write regurgitations of those same things, I’d just become a literary critic. Then I could give my opinion on it. [She laughs. Clod.]

**TAKE IT BACK!**

Hah. I’m sort of trying this “politeness” thing, but at this point, why bother? You go on and on about peridots, but if it weren’t for peridots, you wouldn’t have a terminal to write at, and if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have an Earth. Get over yourself.

 **[I stomped off, handing my recording device to Champagne]** **_Deepest apologies for that. I hope this isn’t too much of a bother._ **

You have no idea.

**_Actually, I think I might. Imagine this all the time. Except you also have to take orders and be polite._ **

How do you survive?

**_Resilience. Something you have a lot of as well._ **

What’s your point?

**_She isn’t as bad as she seems._ **

What?

**_She’s...off, definitely. Abrasive, impolite, detached from reality, somewhat egomaniacal. She’s a product of our society, though._ **

She’s still a clod.

**_Probably, but she has her moments. In between all of the insanity._ **

I really don’t care. I’m sorry. I’m very busy, and I have a lot to do.

**_Like what?_ **

Well, I’ve been working on meepmorps. You’d call them “sculptures”, but I’m used to meepmorps.

**_Is there any significance in meepmorps?_ **

Well, you can express your emotions and comment on life.

**_I’m...not used to that idea._ **

But you have sculptors.

**_Dedicated sculptors. The idea that just anyone could start making sculptures....It’s baffling._ **

I almost forgot why I left Homeworld.

**_Why?_ **

A lot of reasons, but one of that massive pile was the complete operational inefficiency of Homeworld. I mean, how did I not see that just having one or two classes of Gems be dedicated to all art was stupid?

**_It’s not that stupid._ **

It’s pretty stupid.

**_It probably is pretty stupid. Halite might disagree, though._ **

Halite would say that Yellow Diamond would be a better guardian of Earth than Rose Quartz if asked.

**_She did say that, precisely._ **

Really?

**_Yes. It was...I tried to be quiet about it, but honestly it was kind of...well, not quite to the level of some of her more absurd conspiracy theories, but it approached the top._ **

Oh, you have to tell me some.

**_[Champagne Pearl affects a very bad cocky posture meant to imitate me, and begins speaking in a high pitched ranting that in no way represents my voice] Bismuth wanted to do the horrible thing of winning the war by shattering the enemy, right? She did shatter a bunch of our people. Shatter has seven letters in it. Some human cultures consider the number seven to be lucky. Luck is a thing that isn’t real. Other things that aren’t real include toasters, ukeleles, and horses. Horses are what were supposedly used by the Mongols to incite terror and create the largest contiguous land empire that Earth has ever known. Who does that sound like? The Diamonds. Therefore, Bismuth was working with the Diamonds the whole time to kill our own troops for the Technocratic agenda. Proof. The Crystal Gems never shattered anyone. Bismuth shattered people. Therefore, she has to be a Homeworld Gem. Second proof. Bismuth was rainbow colored and grey colored. Rainbows represent all of the Gems of Homeworld, grey her status as a mere servant of them. Why would a servant of Homeworld shatter Homeworlders? They wouldn’t, unless they were acting on the orders of another agenda, namely the Technocracy. In summary, Bismuth was a Homeworld Technocrat agent working with the Diamonds to attack ourselves. Why, though? The Technocracy needed to get rid of the Snake People in officer positions in the Army (calling themselves “Quartzes”), and had to do it subtly._ **

She believes that?

**_She forgot to put it into her book because she came to this conclusion hydro-drunk after she wrote the chapter and forgot about it after she recovered from her hangover, but yes._ **

  
[Peridot begins to laugh. Clod!]


	7. Peridot, Part VI

**[I return after a bit.] What have you two been doing in my absence? I hope it’s not anything suspicious.**

Nothing suspicious at all. 

**_Mmm-hmmm. We were just talking._ ** **About what?**

Your ridiculous Bismuth conspiracy theory about Bismuth being created by the Technocracy as a Technocrat agent in order to weed out Snake People from Homeworld society.

**That sounds ridiculous. I’d never say that.**

**[Champagne rewinds my recording device to play back me saying exactly that. Supposedly.] FORGERY!**

Why would anyone forge that?

**To discredit me. It’s the other historians, man, they’re tryin’ to make me look bad!**

You make yourself look bad. Nobody needs to help with that. Also, this still isn’t the dumbest thing you’ve ever said.

**Argh! I can’t go one minute without someone calling me stupid!** **_Well...._ ** **That’s not the point!** **_I said nothing._ **

So......

**_So......._ **

**SO?**

What do you think of the barn?

**What’s a barn?**

The red thing.

**Oh. It looks nice.**

No qualifiers? No other things? Just “It looks nice”?

**Yeah. It looks nice. Probably as nice as our apartment.** **_Nicer._ ** **Nicer.**

This is oddly positive.

**Well, yeah. It’s just a shame that a stupid Peridot gets to live in a nice barn while good Halites slave away in terrible apartments working on brilliant literature that nobody cares about.**

...Have you ever heard of the term “passive-aggressive”, Halite?

**Should I have?**

Never mind.

**Do you mean passion fruit?**

What’s a “passion fruit”?

**Only the best fruit to ever exist. It’s a shame that a clod like you doesn’t get to eat it.**

Is it a Homeworld fruit?

**No, it’s an Earth fruit. That you eat.**

I don’t eat.

**Boy, are you missing out.**

What’s so great about passion fruit anyway?

**[I stall for a moment. I literally have only heard the name, and for once in my life,** **Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3 has no idea what she’s doing. For once.]**

[Peridot snaps her tiny stupid fingers]

**.........FINE! I’ve never eaten a passion fruit! I was lying to you! I’m a fraud!**

Okay.

**I’ve betrayed all of the trust you’ve put into me!**

[Peridot turns to Champagne Pearl] Does she do this sometimes?

**_Infrequently. Halite. Nobody actually thought that you knew what a passion fruit tasted like._ **

I did.

**_You have the excuse of ignorance._ ** **Fine. Whatever. I’m sorry, Champagne. Also…[I choke here, saying this as fast as I can to get it out before I wretch and shrivel up into a Gem corpse (Are those a thing?)] I’m very sorry Peridot.**

That was melodramatic.

**_Oh, that’s her trying to avoid being melodramatic._ **

Oh. Right. What a clod.

**Wait a minute. Champagne. Were you diddling Peridot while I was away?**

Diddling?

**You know. Making the sideways gazette.**

....

**Were you taking Peridot in a loving embrace suitable for two beings of your tiny stature and….doing whatever diddling is?** **_No._ **

Fusion?

**Not fusion. The other thing! Diddling!**

You mean the thing where two Gems get close together and share emotions through intimate actions and such?

**Yep.**

That’s fusion. Wait, do you mean “sex”? 

**What’s a “sex”?**

A form of organic self-replication and recreation. Or something...Anyway, let me just break down all the reasons why I would not be diddling your pearl. One. Gems have no reason to diddle, we’re biologically asexual beings who replicate through Kindergartens, and our main core is a rock. Two. I’m happy in my single life. Three. If Champagne Pearl is going to diddle anyone, it’ll probably be you, and I doubt that she’s even that into you, it’s just that she seems to only have the potential to do it with you. Four. I don’t know how to diddle. Five. She doesn’t know how to diddle. Is that enough, or should I go on?

**Then what were you doing that was so secretive?**

She was making fun of you.

**Oh. I saw that. It wasn’t that great of an impression.**

It was pretty good. Gotta say.

**Wait, you don’t know how to diddle?**

No. I don’t.

**Does Amethyst know how to diddle?**

Why are you asking me this?

**I want to know if I can diddle with Amethyst.**

Do you know how to diddle?

**No, but I can learn. Theoretically.**

Fine. She’s diddled. With a human.

**[I make a fist and do a fist pumpy thing. I don’t know what that’s called. Champagne and Peridot both roll their eyes, Champagne politely sighing and Peridot sighing in a much more impolite manner. Trust me. I can tell.]** **_Please do not diddle the Amethyst, Halite._ **

Is this a conversation we’re having?

**Look, if I ask her to diddle and she accepts, who am I to say no to her offer of diddleship?**

Please don’t tell me you’re interviewing her.

**She’s on the list! Of people to interview, I mean.**

One. Please don’t spend the entire interview just asking her about diddleship. Two. You know that she’s a “filthy traitor”, right?

**We haven’t confirmed it.**

I know her personally. I’ve fought with her.

**You’re not a reliable- Wait. If you’re not a reliable source, that means that this entire interview is gone, which means that….No. By this process of reasoning, we can deduce that Amethyst is a Crystal Gem!**

...Want a Earth cookie or something for that one?

  
**[I yell “NO” as loudly as I can for about a full minute or so]**


	8. Peridot Epilogue

Halite and Champagne Pearl stood there, outside of the barn, Peridot having left to do something far more important and/or play carnival games. Well, more accurately, Champagne Pearl was kneeling down and Halite happened to be in a fetal position heaving in sorrow about the massive amounts of cognitive dissonance she was feeling due to her extremely foolish crush on Amethyst being countered by her burning, seething hate for the Crystal Gems.

“Are you going to be alright?” Champagne asked, although she knew it was merely a formality. This sort of thing had happened once before, when Gypsum had dumped Halite due to the latter’s incompetence as a Gem and general instability. That misery-fit lasted for a month, however, and Champagne hoped that this would end far more quickly.

“I don’t know!”

“Maybe it’s time to accept that it never was going to happen.”

“What?”

“Well, excluding the fact that the only reason that she doesn’t outright poof and bubble you is because you’re unarmed and too...Halite...to pose any kind of threat to them, she’s charismatic, self-assured, and beautiful, and you’re twitchy and...mildly delusional. Mildly. I just, if I can advise you as such, I just don’t think that the relationship would have worked out. Relationships aren’t just something you can demand of someone. They require mutual interest.”

“Yeah, I guess. I think I’ve found a solution, though. Not dating her.”

“Yes, that would be a good solution.”

“Instead, I’ll totally go and just, you know, take in the scenery. I don’t need to get into any of this messy emotional stuff, and I certainly don’t need to date a disgusting Crystal Gem. I can just…”

“Halite. I feel I need to intervene, here. You’re not accepting anything. You’re just sort of shoving it down and coping poorly by objectifying this poor Gem.”

“What are you, some kinda Crystal Gem sympathizing pearl?”

“Oh, stars no. It’s just that she isn’t...You know what, maybe you’ll get over this on your own time. Who do you have scheduled next?”

“Well, I have Yellow Diamond and then…”

“Yellow Diamond? There’s no way that you’re going to...I’m sorry, but she is a very busy Gem with far too much power to even consider thinking about interviewing.”

“Really? Awesome.”

“You’re not going to do it?”

“No, I’m going to not actually interview her and then just go and do a shorter interview of Yellow Diamond’s Pearl, who holds interview sessions sometimes in Yellow Diamond’s place. If I ever need the transcripts for some bizarre reason I’ll just completely fabricate them all!”

“That seems illegal.”

“No, I think it seems super legal. Freedom of speech.”

While Champagne was happy to see Halite happy again, having gotten over her non-breakup, seemingly, the problem still remained that this happiness came from Halite planning to impersonate the most powerful Gem on Homeworld for a terrible book. “We don’t have freedom of speech.”

“Well, does anyone actually read my stuff? No? Then who’s gonna care?”


End file.
